well i am having not just one of those days. i am having a week of it; and it’s only Tuesday.

i feel frantic. its like everything requires my attention. while some may welcome that; heck i can actually recall a time in my life when i did welcome that too- it made me feel important in a sense where i felt needed and knowledgable in a sense.

these days i feel rather dumb- no, more like stupid. its like i cannot get anything done or done right. something is always wrong. minor details that i overlooked. comes back and bites me (and others who are affected) in a big bite.

i feel somewhat useless. nothing seems to get done, nothing seems to be moving in the way i’d like it. people are watching; i am being watched, and yet i cant seem to perform in a way i know i can. i cant put my finger on it, but something is holding me back, somehow i know i am smarter than this, yet i seem to screw things up or not do it the way it was meant to be.

i feel things are hectic. everything is hectic. i feel i am committed in a lot of things, there are a lot of commitments. i am not really complaining, only that i know i would have been able to handle it when i was younger. i am not complaining about my age; i am not old, i dont feel old. but why am i not performing the way i know i can?

i can only blame myself. things are not done. things are not done properly. things are forgotten. things are actually more important than they are. things are there, yet i can seem to reach it. things getting away from me. things need to be done but other things get in the way.

people need me. my kids need me. they are also watching me. i cannot crumble. not only because i am their father, but that as a model grown up they must see how a person can handle anything, so that they too grow up knowing they can handle anything.

i am tired. seems i am always tired. but things need to be done. and done properly and correctly.

i screw things up. i dont wanna thnk i am a screw up. i feel like i am one. a few times already; enough times to convince even myself maybe i should think i am one. its not that hard, but why is it so. everyone has commitments. everyone has all sorts of numerous commitments. and everyone has deadlines. to chores, to work assignments. its not that hard. but it feels so.

i am tired, but i cannot be. there are stil things need to be done. and they should be done properly.

We talked about her day, in school, what she learned, whether she went during the day, if it was hard, “Did you drink enough water?” and her diet.

Then it was time to sleep ‘cos it was getting late. I urged her to stop talking already and gave her a quick kiss on her cheek- this kid can really talk. She rolls over, as she does when it’s time, hugging her pillow and clutching her bolster between her legs.

So, the almost-whispers have stopped. I lay beside her waiting for her to doze off, waiting to sneak out.

Then she turns to me and says “Daddee, I am sad.”

I am sad is usually a welcomed opening line for Daddee. Not because I like her being sad. It’s because of the flipside to the I am sad- It’s her way of opening up to me, her way of sharing her concerns, of what’s been bothering her. That she does share with me.

Previous I am sad’s have included Grandma telling her off for something she’s done, or something more serious like being bullied in school, or simply missing a friend and cannot wait to see her again the next day in school- Yes, can you believe it?

This I am sad however, was different. It was accompanied by a soft but escalating cry.

On the day before I was given a party pack by my colleague, whom had hosted a party for her niece earlier, and had a spare pack. In it were some small pieces of chocolates. When I came home I had given Caitlin that pack, and had only given her one piece of chocolate for her to bring to school.

At school, she gave her chocolate away to her (same) good friend.

She is sad not because she had given the chocolate away to her friend during school. She is sad because she gave away, or effectively, lost her chocolate, that she no longer had a chocolate to enjoy.

Where she moped about losing her chocolate, I was kinda proud that she was somewhat, to an extent, selfless. This, from a kid who really really enjoys food; and moreover- candy, and giving it away just like that, came as quite a surprise for me.

But I guess it’s been on her mind all day, and was regretting it!

So I comforted her, words like “don’t be silly” slipped out and I tried to cover it by reminding her of the other smaller pieces still around, and that she should remember that she made her good friend very happy too.

Caitlin insisted on wearing her goggles whilst doing her homework… whatever gets her going I suppose…

So here are some pics to share with you, of recent events, in random!

Chat soon!

“Lemme show you who is boss….”

“Okay OKAY I am awake, quit tickling me QUIT TICKLING ME….”

Prayers, at Chinese New Year’s eve / midnight

Prayers, at Chinese New Year’s eve / midnight

Another favourite family tradition, but of course only during Chinese New Year..

Caitlin having a crash course in physics and gravity

Caleb snoozing midway through a feed, at 5am

Caitlin watching Playhouse Disney channel while waiting for Daddee to come back to bed, at 5am

Just like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

I am away from base at the moment- in Sydney, and Caitlin, Mummee & I are thoroughly enjoying the break here from everything.

So postings will be few and far between these few days/weeks… I will try and post some happy pics though, whenever I can!

Until then!

2. What were you doing at 0800?
Picking out the lint from my belly button. Honest. Hey, I just had a shower okay??

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Munching down on my yong tau foo. Hey, it was lunch time okay??

4. What happened to you in 2006?
Got a new job in the airline industry, got to fly first class to Nice France for a fequent flyer conference, drove to Monaco from there, back to Paris & London on a low-cost airline; just because I have never been.. Can’t recall anything more significant at the moment…

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?
“Oh the obligation!”
(I was mentioned most likely to take this survey! Read on..)

6. How many beverages did you have today?
Today? 2 coffees already & cup of chinese tea during lunch, by lunch.

7. What color is your hairbrush?
Skin colour. 4 + 4 digits.

8. What was the last thing you paid for?
The yong tau foo

9. Where were you last night?
Wouldn’t you like to know??
Actually my previous post says it all.

10. What color is your front door?
Brown

11. Where do you keep your change?
I have a little Dutch Lady coin pouch in the car full or copper coins I use at supermarkets. Other coins are generally in my work pants right pocket. Notes are kept in my wallet of course.

12. What’s the weather like today?
Blue skies this morning, though at this moment out the window I can see some big clouds deciding to get together for a real blast later on, if you know what I mean..

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor?
Haagen Daas’ rum raisin, & that New Zealand brand’s with bits of Oreo look-alikes…

14. What excites you?
If I tell you you would be controlling my life!

15. Do you want to cut your hair?
I just did over the weekend. I did think of doing a number 2 all around, but Mummee & even the hairdressers strongly objected; says instead of looking tough I may actually look silly.

16. Are you over the age of 25?
Sadly “Yes”. Your teenage daughters are safe.

17. Do you talk a lot?
hmmpff….

18. Do you watch the O.C.?
I know of the show- that’s all. I know it’s got that Misha Barton in it, that’s all. I know there is this outcast badboy who’s taken a fancy to her, that’s all. I know he resides in some rich relative’s guest house with a pool, that’s all. Honest.

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?
Off the top of my head, 2 Stevens in fact. One in corporate, one who coaches inline skating.

20. Do you make up your own words?
Caitlinisbetteratthis.

21. Are you a jealous person?
Depends on subject: Work? Sibling rivalry? Partner’s ex’s? Ex’s partners?

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’.
My buddy Al White

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’.
Kathy Lim

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?
Mum. She just called asking what Caitlin would like for her birthday!

25. What does the last text message you received say?
“I can’t stop thinking about last night…”

26. Do you chew on your straw?
No, I suck on it!

27. Do you have curly hair?
No, its only almost straight.

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?
I am thinking of buggering off work a bit early & getting something for Caitlin on my mum’s behalf!

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?
The one who promised me a Dear John letter that never arrived!

30. What was the last thing you ate?
Yong tau foo.

31. Will you get married in the future?
Legally I cannot anymore!

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?
I only watched one movie in the last 2 weeks- Beowulf. The animation is good. That’s all I can say.

33. Is there anyone you like right now?
Yes.

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?
After my first cup of coffee before leaving for work.

35. Are you currently depressed?
No but I would like to be so I can use it as an excuse!

36. Did you cry today?
Yes, that long nasal hair should have been cut not pulled.

37. Why did you answer and post this?
It’s been so long since I have done something like this (it’s high school all over again!)

38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey.
In no particular order:
Lynn Lim
Toddler Daddy
Midnite Lily
See Ming
Kathy Lim, but she doesn’t blog.