Parents and children relationships: Parent or friends?

Originally posted 2009-04-27 18:20:17.

I wonder if this happens in other cultures / countries.

Taken from today’s The Star list of popular articles.

Sex affair just to spite parents
By ANDREW SAGAYAM

KUALA LUMPUR: More underage girls are having sex to get back at their parents for neglecting them.

This startling information was revealed by police who said that the girls had initially claimed they were raped but later admitted to have consented to sex with their boyfriends.

Statistics compiled since 2005 showed that the number of girls below 16 years old who are sexually active has been increasing every year.

The study also revealed that an alarming 60% of girls between the ages of 13 and 15 had sex because they “wanted revenge” on their parents. Sex with a girl aged under 16 is classified as statutory rape under the Penal Code.

The girls, largely from urban areas, confessed that they had befriended men as they were angry with their parents for subjecting them to emotional and physical “abuse”.

While some had sex with men just to get back at their parents, others were coerced into it by the very men they had turned to for solace, said Asst Comm Suguram Bibi Munshi Deen, head of the Sexual Abuse and Children’s Division at Bukit Aman.

Noting that teen rape had risen since 2005, she said that the victims – mostly from cities and major towns in Selangor, Johor and Kedah – usually ended up pregnant.

“We are not pointing a finger or exposing the private lives of families but the public must realise what is happening,” said ACP Suguram Bibi.

“Children, teenagers and youths are our future leaders and we as adults, parents or guardians must guide and instil in them right and proper values.”

Statistics from 2005 to 2008 showed 75% of the rape victims were below 18 years old and at least 60% of the girls were below 16. Boys below 18 made up between 8.4% and 13.6% of the “rapists”.

The study also showed that teenagers got bored easily, craved attention or wanted the freedom to express themselves.

ACP Suguram Bibi said parents should educate sons to respect the opposite sex and not take advantage of them.

“We also found that some boys were challenged by their peers and forced to commit sex acts to prove that he was one of the gang and to stop being ridiculed.”

She advised parents to understand the law better and welcomed inquiries from anyone on investigation procedures in sexual assault cases.

While I have always thought and advocated being your (my) children’s good friends rather than being too much of a parent to them, I do recall coming across an article not that long ago saying that befriending one’s child is (still) not a good idea.

I can’t remember the reasons, but I think it was something like: with parenting comes more discipline (than being friends).

Okay, let’s just say then that it should be a mix of the two, that it’s still parenting but that the kids should still feel they can trust me enough to confide in me, that they won’t worry about being implicated / reprimanded for approaching me.

I am of this position because I wasn’t really “friends” with my own parents. Don’t get me wrong they are good parents; just that I felt I couldn’t confide in them. And now that I am a parent and would like to be involved with what my kids do, I want to be involved, at least in the know, of their thought process and patterns, and at least be in the position to be able to advise them of decisions.

What do you put in place when your kids are growing (in whatever age bracket) for both boys and girls in the family?

4 Responses to Parents and children relationships: Parent or friends?

  1. I think we can only be friends with our kids when they are grown up and matured. I have also read that kids feel more secure and loved when they realise that mummy and daddy have set boundaries for them. And disciplinning now a days is not like it used to be – cane and cold shoulder and fear.

    But I reckon you are doing a great job with Caitlin. Let me know how it goes with Caleb…coz my boy…hai, I am thissssss close to getting a REAL cane for him!

  2. I think we are a different generation to our relationship to our parents. I think we should meet in the middle. We need to retain some form of authority for our kids but be approachable enough so they can talk to us, ask questions and let us know what;s going on in their lives.

    It’s whether you also take an interest in their lives, rather than just work and dont bother about where or what your kids are doing right? If you teach em respect, courtesy etc, it tends to help later on :)

    wah, sound like Oprah ini.. LOL

    [ lia\\\\\\\´s last blog post..Happy Easter ]

  3. I have to say that the newspaper article made me go WTF?. Doesn’t matter where you are in the world, someone will come up with some reason/person to blame for the fact that teenagers have sex. Either way the R word should never be used lightly. There is something seriously screwed up with a society if our young adults are not treating each other and themselves with respect.

    As for child/parent relationships I am aiming with my girls for the same type of relationship I had with my own parents: boundaries, patience and non physical punishment/ positive discipline (teaching/guiding). The friendship can come when they are adults.

  4. A child is a responsilibity once must be ready for. There is no meter to gauge how ready or how capable anyone is for this task. Blogs like yours are great as since I am not a parent, I can learn from your blog by reading all the shared experiences. All I read here in your blog is that all the parents here love their kids, know their priorities and try their darndest to do their best. Now that is saying a lot!

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