have you ever had one of those days where nothing seems to be going right, and everything feels wrong? have you?
well i am having not just one of those days. i am having a week of it; and it’s only Tuesday.
i feel frantic. its like everything requires my attention. while some may welcome that; heck i can actually recall a time in my life when i did welcome that too- it made me feel important in a sense where i felt needed and knowledgable in a sense.
these days i feel rather dumb- no, more like stupid. its like i cannot get anything done or done right. something is always wrong. minor details that i overlooked. comes back and bites me (and others who are affected) in a big bite.
i feel somewhat useless. nothing seems to get done, nothing seems to be moving in the way i’d like it. people are watching; i am being watched, and yet i cant seem to perform in a way i know i can. i cant put my finger on it, but something is holding me back, somehow i know i am smarter than this, yet i seem to screw things up or not do it the way it was meant to be.
i feel things are hectic. everything is hectic. i feel i am committed in a lot of things, there are a lot of commitments. i am not really complaining, only that i know i would have been able to handle it when i was younger. i am not complaining about my age; i am not old, i dont feel old. but why am i not performing the way i know i can?
i can only blame myself. things are not done. things are not done properly. things are forgotten. things are actually more important than they are. things are there, yet i can seem to reach it. things getting away from me. things need to be done but other things get in the way.
people need me. my kids need me. they are also watching me. i cannot crumble. not only because i am their father, but that as a model grown up they must see how a person can handle anything, so that they too grow up knowing they can handle anything.
i am tired. seems i am always tired. but things need to be done. and done properly and correctly.
i screw things up. i dont wanna thnk i am a screw up. i feel like i am one. a few times already; enough times to convince even myself maybe i should think i am one. its not that hard, but why is it so. everyone has commitments. everyone has all sorts of numerous commitments. and everyone has deadlines. to chores, to work assignments. its not that hard. but it feels so.
i am tired, but i cannot be. there are stil things need to be done. and they should be done properly.
