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Moomykin‘s recent post of a very sweet poem about her own marriage got me thinking about my past relationship.
Some of you guys know that this is my second marriage. While I have never intended to hide this from the people I met (which included Hot Mummee who eventually became, well, Hot Mummee to my kids!) I had not wanted to delve very deep into how things unfolded; or folded, metaphorically.
What I can share is that there was nothing major like infidelity or my being beaten into a pulp at home. It was simply just a lack of effective communication. We were in a sense being too polite to each other, and then we weren’t.
When things were starting to fall apart, we did opt to see a local marriage counsellor. Being new to this whole experience and not knowing what “tools” were available for such situations, I had thought that it would be joint counsellings. Turned out that she wanted to first see and talk to the counsellor alone. I did also go see the counsellor too but we never did have a any joint sessions to talk things through.
In the end, I had to feel and figure my way out of the situation, which at that age and maturity level in hindsight, I did do my best. But of course with age, we as human now know where we went wrong in our own past and would today handle the same situations very differently.. thus all the “If only I had”, “I should have” statements we sometimes tell people or even to ourselves. We do get wiser with age, but it does also mean lost opportunities.
This was in the mid-90’s, where the internet was still in its infancy insofar as online help was concerned. There was no Google to search for marriage counselor to at least equip myself to handle the situation.
Doing a quick search on “How to Save Your Marriage” yielded this result: Marriage Family Counseling. Sites like this would have easily offered me some form of tools to handle the situation, instead of falling into the typical human stance of defensiveness and denial; giving me the maturity to look at big pictures and working things through. It’s such a pity because in particular, this site also offers free assessments and advice over email subscription, which given our problem then of only not knowing how to communicate effectively, may very likely have gone some way to help our situation.
But let’s move on….
On a positive note, at least now I, for one, know there is such an online service, and might even sign up for their email just to get some points / skills to keep this current flame burning even brighter!
I wondered about this the first time you told me.
I guess being young and married really takes more effort.
A young parent and an older parent also makes alot of difference.
We learn to handle things better, we learn to work things out better, we have more friends to consult with and etc.
Anyways….the pass is the pass, it only serves as lessons for the present.
With hot mummee at least ONE thing could be excellent!
Anns last blog post..First time at Baskin Robbins
Marriage requires a lot of hard work. Harder for some than others. Gadget-daddy and I are just luckier than a lot of people we know. We are each other’s first and only.
Gadget-daddy and I have this goal: We want to grow old together and maybe take care of our grand-kids together (depends if we are allowed to or not).
Moomykins last blog post..A Hint of Heaven
Yes, it is hard work.
My sister once told me this:
It isn’t so much “I can’t live without you” but more so (conversely) “I CAN live with you..”
Any relationship takes effort from both parties who are involved with each other. Personally, communicating on the same wavelength and you must fight fair (no name calling, bringing up the past, cursing) are just so very crucial in not damaging the spine of the relationship in the long run. This will cultivate respect for each other. Finding a soul mate….hmmm, do they grow in an orchard?