This is a semi serious issue. One that needs to be nipped in the bud, but that wasn’t!
We were “warned” by Dr Pixie, that when a toddler reaches the age of 2, they will start becoming defiant, challenging, pushing the envelope and testing how far they can go. That this is also the age when they will also need proper guidance cos, apparently, this is the time when they will start developing and ingraining their habits of behaviour and manners, or lack of.
Caitlin was born in Nov 2004. She is now 3 years 5 months old.
Much to my disappointment, just last weekend my older brother said to me that Caitlin is quite a rude child. He also echoed my sister in law’s similar sentiment (no- another brother’s wife). I always thought I was doing an okay job in parenting, but sometimes third parties’ views and feedback are more accurate, from an outsider’s point of view. I repeated this to Hot Mummee, and she quite quickly said it was Grandma (her mum, who looks after the kids while we are at work) and my doing. That we are too lenient.
Between us, Hot Mummee is the stern one. So I have always adopted the complementing approach: The good cop (I think it’s in my nature to be softer anyway). That’s not to say that I nullify or reverse whatever Hot Mummee has said or effected to the kids; we have a “policy” that we will not, in front of the kids, “fight” or change or oppose whatever the other has said, cos this will only confuse the kids and undermine the authority of the parent, and immediately and wrongly win over the child- good cop bad cop. We leave whatever comments we have for each other in private.
Some examples of her behaviour are:
- A sharp “No” to adults- my mum, to me sometimes.
- Frowning squint when she doesn’t like something someone’s said to her, or when she doesn’t like what’s requested of her; usually accompanying the above “No”
- Not greeting elders upon sight; like when visiting someone’s home or when they arrive
- Not even answering when spoken to
I wonder how she is like at school. Granted the feedback from the teacher was that she is coping well, but back then the conversation (at least from my point of view) was more on how she is coping with the new routine of school, given she was only there for 3 or so weeks. Now that Caitlin would be more familiar with the routine and of being in school, I am wondering if such behaviour is also consistent while at school.
This week I have started to be more stern towards her. I have actually declared this to her: That I will start “scolding more” when she is rude. I reinforce these with comments like “Uncle has said that you are rude”, “Aunty has said that you are rude” (it helps when these are her fave relatives), and cited examples of her (bad) behaviour: Not greeting Grandma (my mum), being rude to her, making her “sad” (guilt and reverse psych already works at such a young age!), On-the-spot “See? SEE? Isn’t that being rude to Daddee??”, etc.
With these I will, of course, still prefer and employ positive reinforcements, and really commend when she does the right things. From experience, and I am sure other more experienced parents will attest to this; this method seems to have worked quite well in the past (toilet training is one that comes straight to mind).
It’s been almost 5 months since that earlier post / reference to Dr Pixie’s advice. I guess I am not paying enough attention or addressing this area properly… yet.
How have you parents tackled this issue of manners?
4 responses so far ↓
1 Ann // Apr 23, 2008 at 8:52 AM
Oh…tough times….looking forward to what other fellow parent bloggers will have to say!
Ann’s last blog post..Look at me! I’m 7 months old!
2 Moomykin // Apr 24, 2008 at 4:43 AM
We always make our boys say “please” and “thank you” and “welcome”, and also “sorry”, to each other and other people when required. Max has appeared to be more stubborn, and some times refuses to follow even when we cue him to. He would sometimes even say “Don’t say,” or “no say” to us when we ask him to say so.
But other times they are actually quite good.
The greeting people bit depends on the time of the day and how they feel. Understandably they are sometimes cranky and I won’t force them to say good morning to either grandparents when they have just woken up. Rather, I find if the grandparents say it first, they are more willing to respond positively.
I also find preparing them, like when we will be meeting friends, etc., that they should remember to say “hello, uncle and aunty” also helps. Usually in the car, or as we start the journey. Micah usually comply. Max will parrot the brother but there had been a few occasions he was just too distracted and went straight for a pet/ toy or to investigate something in the house. Can you blame him if there is something more attractive than strangers?
We should not make excuses for them to behave badly, but we should understand and talk to them at the moment as well as at other times just in conversations.
I have called Micah rude sometimes too, because, quite often, Micah yells back when you scold him. But they do forget themselves and have feelings of anger and frustrations and dislike.
Today Micah surprised me when I said “thank you” to him for arranging his toy trains in a neat row. He said, “You’re welcome. It’s my pleasure,” and gave me the sweetest smile. So amazing! I didn’t even want to spoil that magical moment by asking where he learnt that from. Just bask in it.
Moomykin’s last blog post..My Mom’s B&B Version
3 Daddee // Apr 24, 2008 at 10:54 AM
Caitlin does quite automatically say “thank you” to her parents and those very close to her. (Just this morning she said the sweetest “thank you Daddee” when I “surprised” her with some mini sandwiches for breakfast). Most times she would too, with her relatives like my parents, her uncles, etc. It is the greeting and the responding-when-spoken-to that irks me / others. What is beyond acceptable are the blunt rudeness of snapping or rebukes towards her elders.
To be honest, it does sadden me to be so blunt with her. She loves her Daddee dearly, and to tell her off just because she wants Daddee to be close when she sleeps (we want her to start sleeping by herself and not to have us lie beside her) is not “fair” in my mind… sigh
4 Moomykin // Apr 25, 2008 at 1:04 AM
Oh, I know that is so tough.
It’s just like Micah saying he does not want to go to school because he will miss me. Then he’ll ask if I’ll miss him.
So far there has no need to scold because I am not quite there at the school’s door-step yet. But you are there with the “sleep-on-your-own door’s step. So It’s painful, but can be done. I remember my father telling us we should sleep in our won room when we moved to our new house (I was 6), but it took us maybe a whole year to do so. Did not like it, of course, and I think we saw less of our dad than Caitlin sees you. So it’s ok. Make up for it in the weekends.
Moomykin’s last blog post..My Mom’s B&B Version
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