If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!
Following up on my last post on separation anxiety; about which Caitlin was separated from us for a matter of weeks rather than just hours or days, I want to share my thoughts and feelings on what I had heard about her when I was still away from home.
I have previously mentioned too that we have had conversations with Caitlin over the internet using webcams. At the last session when it was time to sign off, Caitlin actually started crying not wanting to end it.
While we were away, Caitlin was left in my parents’ care, shuttling between her 2 sets of grandparents on some days. During one of Mummee’s cousin’s visits to see Caitlin, cousin messaged us saying Caitlin “gets quite emotional whenever we talk about you guys; we have thus resorted to using signs to talk about you”. Another chat message, from my sister in law, “Last week, when she was in my house - suddenly, she started crying n kept on saying ‘ I want my daddy’”.
The more I think about this, the more I am getting distressed myself.
I can’t help thinking about what possible emotional or psychological impact this had had on her. Abandonment is one that comes to my mind. Her favourite people are away. I try to stay in touch by calling her once a while on top of the webcam use (whenever that happens; I have to rely on Caitlin being physically in my brother’s house, not my parents’ house next door), yet even though Daddee doesn’t mind it at this end, I know she has been told to keep the phone calls short because “it’s expensive”. She obliges. Yet after hanging up and left on my own to ponder– what’s that “idle minds” and “devil’s work” cliche? I couldn’t help imagining “bad things” that Caitlin must be feeling, and left on her own to deduce further bad things when her thoughts are unguided.
Tonight I am typing this after arriving from the airport & a shower. She is already asleep, down with a flu. The first contact I had with her was when she woke herself coughing, and puking (not very much) on the pillow and on herself. “Hi… I am home”- I could only offer this between doing up the buttons of her fresh pj’s and her sobs, as puking kids do. She is dead tired from the illness. It’s also midnight now.
Since I am actually home earlier than office had expected, I plan to stay home tomorrow to be with her. I was already planning this during the flight, considering all the stories I have heard about her being “on her own”. All the more reason to now.
Be prepared to have to do a lot of damage repair on her little heart. Be prepared to handle big and little battles.
She has to deal with your long absence and now a new competition for Mummee and Daddee’s time and attention.
I tried leaving Micah for a couple of hours at playschool before, that was last year. I thought he was ready, plus it was a familiar place. But it backfired and he was traumatised to the point of having nightmares and till today can’t bear the idea of going to school. We have to start all over again in helping him to do without mommy every now and then.
I think he is a little better now. At least he sometimes come downstairs on his own in the morning and not cry cos he doesn’t see me as his first sight.
Yeah, separation anxiety’s a big issue for us too, with both boys.
Sigh….couldn’t agree more…seperation is one thing no one really likes to deal with!
Hope your heart is strong enough to bear all her weaknesses! And weaknesses I mean all the times when she is going to cry and call for you. That your cheerful face can pull her out of it and assure her that all is well…daddy still loves her and misses her lots !
Take good care. Enjoy your day with her!
All I can add to this is from my own perspective with a father that travelled for weeks, occassionally months, overseas for work when growing up. Sure the seperation was hard at times, but the one thing I can remember now as an adult is that whenever he was in town he was always there for the ‘big’ events.
I don’t think he ever missed a sporting event, or a school play or things like that - if he was in town. Sure he may have turned up, watched the game, then gone back to work for the rest of the weekend - but he was always there when it was important. And looking back it is those times I remember (that and the presents when he returned) and not the fact he was away.
I think it also made me a bit more independent in that I could do things for myself, and look after myself, from a relatively young age and my parents became my support people and not the type of parents who are still doing everything for me at almost 40. Compared to a lot of my colleagues who aren’t equals and friends with their parents even now I think we ended up in a pretty good place.
Having said that, I still find it hard to leave my kids alone after a weeks holiday even if only for the day. Especially when my wife tells me how the eldest wandered around the house calling out and looking for daddy for the first few hours of the day.