Monthly Archives: December 2007

It’s a tricky subject.

I have written about this before, and one local comment I got was that they do not use their hand to spank; rather they’d use a cane. An Australian friend I was chatting with also mentioned that she would used a wooden spoon, something she learned from her own mum, on her.

Cultural cross-overs, and I don’t just mean on the cross-continent type. As Amy’s already mentioned, even within the same society different families have very different practises. My own views and experiences below are my personal ones, from a culture & household in which I grew up- Western cultures would probably cry foul over the following!

I wasn’t the easiest kid for my own mum. She used to tell me that out of her 5 kids (I am the youngest), I was the one that aged her the most. She also used to cane me; I cannot remember if my older siblings got the cane. Right now if you asked me if I can remember much of those caning days, I can only tell you of one incident where I know I was probably a real ass & very probably deserved it: From visual memory I was backed into a corner curled up as small as I physically could looking up at mum whipping the cane yelling / replaying / reminding me (not swearing) what the f I was doing wrong & what a pain I am / was. I got superficial bruises & some parts even drew blood.

I also recall later that night she came over, asked how I was, did I know what I did wrong, would I do it again. It was her way of making peace. I was cool with it.

If you asked me if I remember what I did to deserve that, I couldn’t tell you! But I am damn sure it made me who I am today. Don’t get me wrong, I like who I am now- I am no serial killer, I am not abusive, and I think I am mentally sound!

I am eternally grateful for my parents. They have provided very well for all of us & we are now law abiding citizens & compassionate & respectful human beings. We are a very close knit family still even when we all have our own families now; you’d find I sporadically mention my family members because we make it a point to see everyone at least once a week.

Canes were also used in schools. While I can’t ever recall being caned, in the private high school I attended (only for 2 years before going abroad) if the cane was ever required it would mean that the “crime” was really severe- getting caught smoking or bringing porn to school (Hey it was the early 80′s). It would also mean that the caning would be conducted “publicly”- during school assemblies for seemingly the whole world to see. I thought that was good enough reason to be even more careful with the material!

The cane was the most feared instrument of discipline, at home & in school. I think these days it is rarely used anymore- though I could be mistaken… Perhaps still in local public schools? My dad had never spanked me, though he may have used the cane before, but I don’t have memories of that. I know he would never use his hands because he too has had some form of martial arts training. If you know martial arts, you know you tend to hit efficiently, which could be damaging.

To be sure, where I say I have no memories of this or that, it is not because I have blocked them out! I really cannot recall them because they (probably??) never happened. So- there! My memories of growing up actually consist more of quality time spent chatting with my mum over the kitchen counter. We did (still do) talk, something that my school friends found very weird (“You chit-chat with your mum??”); their experience was very probably one-way conversations of the-mother-issued commands.

My generation does not use the cane. Frankly I see our kids being better behaved than my days (or maybe it was just me?) My nieces and nephews are all generally very well behaved. However when the situation required it, my brother did spank his boy, but again I don’t think it was very often.

With me these days, as mentioned before I do spank when required- I think it works. But I also hope that once the child has experienced it before, that the threat of it is a strong enough deterrent, that s/he will never have to experience it again.

My 3yr old Caitlin has experienced it once with me. And I think with her it was already once too often, for me especially. But as with my opinion above, she knows I mean it from my increasingly-urgent tone each time she defies me- my limit is between 4-5 times of request before I “take action”. She usually gets going by request no.3; which Mummee thinks is already over (her) limit.

I reason with Caitlin for almost all individual specific requests- she may still be too young to understand general rules. Lately, empathy seems to work too (“Would you like it if the [same consequence] was to happen to you too?”), but Mummee’s reverse psychology tactic was already working before mine, a skill Mummee practises very well- I can vouch for it! However I don’t like it because there is no reasoning, only the consequence of the opposite. Reasoning then has to be a conscious next-step.

At this point, I know I am still Caitlin’s favourite human on earth. So I think I am doing okay.

I offer a different opinion than those who have come before me. Do me a favor, leave me a comment. If you agree with any of what I say, support me. If you disagree, I want to know what you do that works better. Here are the opinions of those who have wrote on this subject before me.

• Miche does not spare the rod.
• Jo-N wants to be her children’s best friend.
• Tot’s Mom spares the rod and believes in patience.
• Huckdoll spares the rod and believes there are more effective yet gentle ways to discipline than spanking.
• Kelly at Ordinary Art has a three-step approach that does not always work but leaves tiny tushes mark free.
• OhMommy has spanked and never will again.
• Amy spanks when necessary.
• Daddee will also spank when necessary

Instructions:

1. Go to your blog.
2. Post about the topic.
3. Give me the hot, hard, and heavy linky love
4. Copy the last paragraph above and add your name and discipline style.
5. Post that paragraph onto your blog, including links. (I am trying work out how to requote the codes here)
6. Go to the five people you have tagged and leave them a comment to know they are now, it.
7. Sit back and let the comments roll in.

And so I am interested in what you have to say…