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I won’t claim to be an expert on this matter.
My style in getting Caitlin to do stuff has been in influencing her with simple cause-and-favourable-effect reasoning.
My wife thinks I am too lenient with Caitlin, that I give into her whims & whining too often (wanting to be carried, not showing enough authority).
Perhaps she is right, and / or Caitlin herself sensing this to be true as she becomes more self aware, I do feel that I have had to raise my voice (as opposed to actually shouting) with Caitlin lately, exclaiming or threatening to come over & spank her. Most times it will work, but only after 3 times of stern talking & at times seemingly intending to carry out that physical threat.
Last night however, I lost it. Caitlin just wasn’t listening to our “pleading” to get ready for bed. Instead she was wandering around looking for distractions for distraction’s sake.
Her back was turned, walking away from the bedroom where she was supposed to be changing. I took a stride towards her, whipped my four fingers across her buttocks quite hard, landed squarely making a rather loud smack & launching her forward somewhat. It was a serious shock to her- she never expected it really coming from Daddee. She turned to me & immediately burst into loud tears.
And as she does when she cries profusely, she got into a coughing fit & vomited, further complicating the evening’s situation.
At the risk of sounding defensive, I wouldn’t consider that I “flew off the handle”. There was a flash of That’s it; I gotta show her I mean it this time, but with only one smack, BUT, I didn’t consciously (enough) control my strength. The (only very little) martial arts training I had was enough to smack effectively most times.
Carrying her off the puddle of yuck into the bathroom, I began rinsing her off & stripped her of her soiled pj’s. There it was, a red outline of my four digits, like an imprint of your fingers on soft sand.
Did I feel it was justified?
Yes, in that she needed to know who was boss; but No, not with the applied strength & damage it caused.
Did I feel guilty about it?
Yes I did, very much so.
With that, & after everything was cleaned up & calmed down & Caitlin changed, I felt I needed to speak to her face to face asking if she understood what had happened. She seemed neutral, not fearful nor defiant. She was back to herself: Responsive & conversant, ie, adorable again.
Did I feel guilty about it?
Yes I did, even more so then.
I know spanking is a very sensitive issue for a lot of parents, for and against. Personally I “spank” my 3 year old boy too, but I use a cane. Reason: The hand is a symbol of love and should not be confused with pain and hurt. At least if she gets any smart ideas of “getting away from spanking” she can try getting rid of the cane, but she can’t get rid of “dad”.
My dad also said this to me before, that when you use your hand you do make quite serious physical damage because most of the time you can’t quite control/know your strength. The cane causes pain on the surface but won’t even bruise. No worries bout breaking bones.
Personal story: I remembered when I was maybe 5 and my older sis 7, she stuffed a cane down the rubbish shoot (we stayed in a flat then) and told me she hid it there so that mom could not find it. I was not so bright and after she ran off, I opened the shoot and was totally puzzled by “where is the cane now?”