Monthly Archives: September 2007

I look forward to putting Caitlin to bed. As it is an expected routine for her now, she seldom fights it when I suggest it’s bedtime. Sometimes she is the one suggesting that it is bedtime herself, which to me is a wonder because sometimes it is when her favourite TV show is playing.

[Culturally, we put our kiddies to bed & share the bedroom, unlike other cultures where the kiddies have a room of their own]

We’d lie in my bed in the dark, pacifier-ed & mini pillow & bolster clutched in each hand. We would actually “catch up” on her day’s events- what she did during the day; & if I’d manage to bring her somewhere after work, recap our activities together (“Caitlin fed the turtles at the park today- did you like it?” or “So what did you & Grannee buy from Tesco today? Did you get some milk & bread? What else did Grannee get? Were you the one pushing the trolley?”)

It is also during this time that Caitlin is the least cheeky. I don’t mind cheeky, but here she is very conversational, contemplative, receptive.

It is also the time when only words are used to communicate in the almost-dark bedroom, where wit & descriptive communication is exercised. It is also a channel where I believe she would be the most open, like she did when she shared the concept of death & her concerns with me.

Comparatively, I believe this to be why Caitlin is closer to me than with her Mummee.

In my previous post I had mentioned that after school I had used to chat with my own mum, about mostly anything. Till today all her kids still catch up with her whenever we can. I believe this “value” or practice was inculcated since our development years, & it is certainly something I would like emulated for the next generation with my own kids.

Occupying the headlines this week has been the abduction & murder of a local 8 year old girl. A Google search on Nurin would result in the background & events of this tragic news, so I won’t go into it at all here. But if you are interested, you can check out the family’s blog on the whole incident- from their point of view.

Frankly, I don’t know if the world is becoming more “evil”, or if it is just a case of increased awareness & increased reports / information flow. I can still recall I was “allowed” to visit the local deli or sundry shops on my own (under similar alleged circumstances with the above abduction), go for a bicycle ride around the neighbourhood without the “fear” of anything happening to me (except traffic-related incidents).

Catching up with some fellow parent-friends, we were discussing how we could prevent such mishaps from happening to our own kids.

He shared that he has already coached his 4 year old girl on a few preventative measures:

• If anyone touches you on your private parts, you must tell either Mummy or Daddy
• When you are out, & if someone touches you or tries to grab you, scream at the top of your lungs, don’t stop screaming until Mummy or Daddy or Granny comes (back) to you

What else would you teach a toddler to become street-smart?

I won’t claim to be an expert on this matter.

My style in getting Caitlin to do stuff has been in influencing her with simple cause-and-favourable-effect reasoning.

My wife thinks I am too lenient with Caitlin, that I give into her whims & whining too often (wanting to be carried, not showing enough authority).

Perhaps she is right, and / or Caitlin herself sensing this to be true as she becomes more self aware, I do feel that I have had to raise my voice (as opposed to actually shouting) with Caitlin lately, exclaiming or threatening to come over & spank her. Most times it will work, but only after 3 times of stern talking & at times seemingly intending to carry out that physical threat.

Last night however, I lost it. Caitlin just wasn’t listening to our “pleading” to get ready for bed. Instead she was wandering around looking for distractions for distraction’s sake.

Her back was turned, walking away from the bedroom where she was supposed to be changing. I took a stride towards her, whipped my four fingers across her buttocks quite hard, landed squarely making a rather loud smack & launching her forward somewhat. It was a serious shock to her- she never expected it really coming from Daddee. She turned to me & immediately burst into loud tears.

And as she does when she cries profusely, she got into a coughing fit & vomited, further complicating the evening’s situation.

At the risk of sounding defensive, I wouldn’t consider that I “flew off the handle”. There was a flash of That’s it; I gotta show her I mean it this time, but with only one smack, BUT, I didn’t consciously (enough) control my strength. The (only very little) martial arts training I had was enough to smack effectively most times.

Carrying her off the puddle of yuck into the bathroom, I began rinsing her off & stripped her of her soiled pj’s. There it was, a red outline of my four digits, like an imprint of your fingers on soft sand.

Did I feel it was justified?
Yes, in that she needed to know who was boss; but No, not with the applied strength & damage it caused.

Did I feel guilty about it?
Yes I did, very much so.

With that, & after everything was cleaned up & calmed down & Caitlin changed, I felt I needed to speak to her face to face asking if she understood what had happened. She seemed neutral, not fearful nor defiant. She was back to herself: Responsive & conversant, ie, adorable again.

Did I feel guilty about it?
Yes I did, even more so then.

Like the author of the site says, we (fathers) are all in this together!

Returning the favour of shameless plugs, Toddler Daddy is also a blog dedicated to the journey of fatherhood.

Toggling between devotions for work & his two kids, Toddler Daddy still finds time to share his experience as a dad & his kids’ developments.

A cute-design site that goes well with the theme. Do check it out!